There are moments in life when forgiveness seems possible, but reconciliation feels impossible. Perhaps someone betrayed your trust or caused deep pain, and though you’ve chosen to forgive, the thought of restoring the relationship feels unsafe or even wrong. Many have asked me, “Father, if I forgive but don’t reconcile, have I really forgiven?” It’s a question that touches both the heart and the conscience.
Forgiveness and reconciliation are related, but they are not the same. Forgiveness is a spiritual act — it happens in the heart before God. It’s the decision to release the debt someone owes you, to let go of resentment, and to place the wound in God’s hands. Jesus teaches this clearly: “Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us” (Matthew 6:12). Forgiveness sets your soul free from bitterness; it’s about healing within.
Reconciliation, however, is a relational act — it requires two hearts, not just one. It can only happen when both parties are willing to rebuild trust, to seek truth, and to walk together again in honesty. Sometimes reconciliation is possible and brings great grace; other times, especially when there is abuse or ongoing harm, it may not be wise or safe. The Church never asks us to ignore justice or to expose ourselves to danger.
Still, even when reconciliation cannot happen, forgiveness must. Jesus forgave those who crucified Him long before they ever sought reconciliation. True forgiveness does not depend on the other person’s repentance; it depends on our freedom to love as Christ loves — without hatred, without vengeance. You can forgive someone and yet set healthy boundaries. You can wish them peace in your heart while keeping a distance that honors both truth and healing.
Forgiveness without reconciliation is not incomplete — it is often the first and hardest step toward peace. In God’s time, He may open the door for reconciliation; or He may use your forgiveness simply to make you whole. Either way, grace is at work.
May the Lord grant us hearts that forgive even when reconciliation is beyond reach. In His mercy, may we find peace — the peace that comes not from forgetting, but from loving as He loved us.
— Fr. John Matthew, for Christian Way
